The Boss, The Bathroom, and Me

Relaxed in happier times

Normally, I find being regular a very healthy and relaxing activity.  I enjoy a nice purging of the bowels from time to time and always relish the chance to steal a few minutes with a favorite book or magazine.

However, there are occasions where my dropping off the kids at the pool makes me cringe, and those are usually associated when the exposed shoes in the stall next to me look vaguely familiar….oh yeah, those are the kicks of my boss.

I generally get stage fright and attempts a complete sphincter lock-down when I realize it is my boss sitting next to me.  The last thing I want him to hear are my depth charges splashing down on imaginary u-boats down below.  I even try to not turn a page if I can help it.

He does not share this same ideology with me.  I envy the fact he can let loose his revolutionary war like canon, and my eyes spring open like a dear in headlights once I hear the shot fired around the world.

I can’t help but be creeped out that our timing is becoming more and more synced, as you hear can happen with women in Oprah-esque like coffee clutches who soon begin to match their own monthly cycles if hanging out long enough.

If that wasn’t bad enough, his post flush hygiene practices are a bit odd, and disturbing as well.  Me…Well, i like to wash my hands like any normal person and leave.  My boss, however, seems to turn this typical procedure into a full body exam.  First comes the washing and washing and washing of hands.  It borderlines on OCD behavior.  I guess I should commend him for his thoroughness, but I fear and more washing may peel skin of his hands.  I then literally hear begin to clear his throat as Chewbacca the Wookie would growl out a battle cry.  I imagine both Bigfoot and various yeti’s turn their head and cock an ear in our direction as the echoes bounce off the tiled walls.

This is followed by the sound of swishing and gargling of water in his mouth and the finished with multiple spitting episodes that reminds me of sitting in a dental chair.

If that wasn’t enough, the icing on the cake yesterday was then listening to him blow his nose into his bare hands.  How do I know his bare hands?  Because we have an air dryer instead of paper towels in our restroom, so there is nothing else that can contribute to the sound created when blowing ones nose by covering your nostrils with your hands.   Sure enough….after a few blows, the water turns back on for another washing.

This whole episode literally takes almost 10 minutes, the whole time I am mortified and can’t let my own starfish relax lest I make a questionable sound.  I am definitely not getting up anytime soon, and must wait for him to leave by the sound of an opening and closing door before I can once again begin to relax and continue with my business.

And my friends, this isn’t a one time behavior….this is what goes on every-single-time he’s in there when I am.  I can just imagine what happens at his house.